


The Good Stuff

by Diaphenia



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Season/Series 08, Stripping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2303885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/pseuds/Diaphenia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You cannot up and install a stripper pole in our home,” Robin said, wondering if this was a load-bearing stripper pole and, if not, how difficult it would be to remove, possibly with her bare hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Good Stuff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Measured](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured/gifts).



> Measured! I wanted to give you fic to fix the finale, but that would've required acknowledging the finale. Instead, here's a little light piece set during Barney and Robin's engagement (before their wedding that resulted in a life-long monogamous relationship whaaaa)
> 
> With love to throwingpens.

“You cannot up and install a stripper pole in our home,” Robin said, wondering if this was a load-bearing stripper pole and, if not, how difficult it would be to remove, possibly with her bare hands. She knew she had her toolbox _somewhere_ , but actually getting her hands on it while they were wrapped around Barney’s neck might be difficult. 

“Look, we’re getting married, and I’m giving up strip clubs,” he said.

“No, you aren't.”

“I intend to do so.”

“This from the man who once got twelve lap dances on Christmas day.”

“It’s that holiday song that dates back to nineteen aught nine, when a young Barniverous Stinson decided to celebrate the oldest holiday with those in the oldest profession,” he said, sly smile on face. “On the first day of Christmas, a pear-shaped stripper gave to me, a—”

“No.” She put her hand out. “You already gave us the song on your Christmas album in 2009. I’m good. Besides, I never told you to give that stuff up. You know I don’t care.”

“Yeah, but we’re gonna be on the buddy system for life,” he said, grabbing her hand and holding it firmly. “And I want to show you how much I respect you by giving up strip clubs.”

“That’s sweet,” she said, counting in her head. _One, two, three—_

“At least I’m giving up strip clubs on Tuesday, Thursdays, major and minor holidays including your birthday _and_ Marshall’s birthday.”

“There is is.”

“Besides,” he said, pulling her over to the couch and pulling her into his lap. “It’s mostly because I think you’d look particularly hot strutting around in something naughty, grabbing that hard pole as you bend over—”

He looked at her like he was going to tear her sweater right off, and she had to admit, there was something about that scenario that was really working for her. Except—

“You do it,” she said, grabbing his tie and pulling him close enough that she could feel his heat through their clothes.

“You want me to strip for you?” he said. 

She leaned in like she was going for a kiss, then pulled away right before their lips touched, relishing in his disappointment. “Why not? You have studied this harder than anyone I know. You probably have it down to a science at this point.”

“Challenge accepted,” he said, and she assumed that had something to do with the semi he was sporting. “Let me go change out of this first.”

“Now,” she said, leaning back. She slung an arm on the back of the couch and squared her knees with her shoulders. 

“Yes, ma’am.” he said, and he pressed a button on his phone that immediately dimmed the lights in the apartment. He pressed another, and a sleazy brass arrangement filled the room. Finally, he flipped a switch and a spot-light hit the pole, because Barney didn’t doing anything half-way. He didn’t even do anything the entire way when way over-the-top was an option. 

He pulled his jacket off slowly, throwing it behind the couch. 

“That’s fine, hand-crafted Venetian tailoring,” he said. 

“It’s getting crumpled,” she whispered.

"You always know exactly how to hurt a man, which is why I like you so much." He untied his tie next, throwing it straight to her. She knew what that meant; a tie in her hands meant he wanted to get tied to something that night. Maybe the pole. 

He twirled around the pole for a minute, his too-tight grip preventing him from really spinning. He swayed his hips with surprising grace, unzipping his pants before shaking his head and zipping them back up. 

He shimmied back over,striking a pose before unbuttoning his shirt so slowly that she thought about tearing it off of him. Instead, she was rewarded with a view of his chest. 

“Come on, Stinson.” she said. “I want to see the good stuff.”

“Anything for you, Scherbatsky.” He hiked a leg up around the pole, twirling around it experimentally. “I once saw a girl in Atlantic City do this, only she had hands full at the time.” He took ten steps back, then took a running leap at the pole, launching himself to a spin before crashing into the wall.

***

“Let me see if I understand this,” Lily said, Marvin slung around her back. “Barney’s in the hospital because of a stripping injury due to his pants.”

“Yeah, that’s the story,” Robin said, giving Lily her uncomfortable waiting room chair. Who would’ve guessed an emergency room would be so crowded on a Saturday night?

“If he broke his ankle, what happened to the stripper?”

“No, Lil, he _was_ the stripper.”

Lily looked at her, mouth hanging open. “That’s terrible,” she said, fanning herself with a brochure about co-pays. “Just you and your fiance, alone in your home, with a symbol of gender inequality right there, and him forced to writhe on that thing for your sexual pleasure.”

“It was pretty great, actually,” Robin said. 

“Oh I believe it. You want to hook your buddy up with one of those poles?”


End file.
